Becoming Whole Through Radical Acceptance

“Stop trying to heal yourself, fix yourself, even awaken yourself. Let go of letting go. Stop trying to fast-forward the movie of your life, chasing futures that never seem to arrive. Instead, bow deeply to yourself as you actually are.”- Jeff Foster

Many moons ago I dreamt of becoming whole. I longed and ached and sizzled inside for the sensation of completeness. I bowed on my knees with my hands in prayer, crying to God to help me accept myself and find comfort within my itchy skin. I could imagine no greater ‘success’ than experiencing sustainable serenity and a soothed nervous system.

When I began my sober recovery journey I believed ‘always being in the light’- cheerful, expansive, kind, warm, and loving towards others- was the experience of wholeness. I rediscovered the expansive giddy part of myself for the first time since I was a little girl and throughly enjoyed this part. The dilemma was that I hated myself when I felt bitter, closed off, or contracted. I denied all shadow qualities and aggressively tried to force myself into the ‘light’.

I would isolate and sit in meditation for hours trying to ‘raise my vibration’.  I would run out of yoga classes and twelve step meetings so no one would see or feel me if I wasn’t in a ‘high vibe’ state. I was terrified of experiencing shame related to not being perceived as the ‘bubbly bright Mallory’ I correlated with as my ‘whole self’.

The message I wish younger Mallory would have known is that you are always whole in each and every moment. You don’t have to ‘change your state’ to feel or be enough. You can feel liberated and relaxed if you learn how to embrace your raw authentic expression.

You may disassociate from intrinsic embodied wholeness according to how you believe you ‘should’ be. For example: in cheerfulness, this much money in the bank, a certain body size or emotional state, etc. These expectations may create a split within the mind body. Yet, you can return to wholeness in any moment through returning back to the body, noticing what is happening internally, and claiming the seat as the one holding the present experience.

Any time you wrong your emotions, life experience, or any particular part- the coherent stable sense of self splits. Radical acceptance is psychic glue which holds and brings together the fragmented internal reality back into a state of congruence . Radical acceptance is an expansive spacious holding environment which warmly welcomes all and integrates the parts of the inner family who have been rejected back into a state of wholeness.

Western culture encourages perfectionism-a lack of reverence towards the full spectrum human experience. Western culture conditions a hierarchy of particular emotions or ‘the ideal life’ which trickles into the individual’s consciousness and typically manifests as shame if one doesn’t measure to the standard. It makes sense when less desirable aspects show up that there would be self rejection. Shame, or self rejection, is deeply hardwired into the collective psyche. Self rejection is the split from wholeness.

The story that wholeness must look, feel, or act a certain way is the greatest myth ever. As long as you aim for an image of wholeness, you will drift away from the very real experience happening within the body. Meeting yourself within the body is what ultimately liberates, loosens, and expands. Meeting the whole dynamic cognitive, emotional, and somatic experience of what is here in the now is embodied wholeness. The internal world is chaotic and wild. What is consistent is awareness. The body is an anchor to rediscover resting awareness.

Back in the ‘I need to be love and light always’ days I existed primarily in psychic fragmentation and disembodied states from extreme self rejection. I placed wholeness in an image of how I desired to be seen and show up. If I didn’t show up as ‘Mallory in the light’ then I believed I was absolutely unlovable. Learning how to accept myself, regardless of how I perceived others would perceive as likable, was the foundation of discovering comfort within my skin. My prayers of wholeness answered itself when I stopped placing wholeness in a future based lifeless image and embraced the alive expression of myself in the now.

Every micro subtle moment of accepting what is present allows a greater macro acceptance of unapologetic authentic expression. Every moment there is acceptance it cultivates strength in the secure sense of self, which creates space for greater confidence in who you are in any given moment.

The moment you notice you are in a disembodied reality around how you ‘should be or show up’ is a brilliant opportunity to come back to your body, meet yourself intimately, and experience wholeness. In these moments can you notice what is happening within your skin, what sensations are present, and can you meet them with a warm loving presence? In these moments a powerful mantra to practice is, “I am whole in sadness. I am whole in messiness. I am whole in bitterness. I am whole in this imperfections. I am wholeness wrapped around this raw experience”

You may not feel instant relief from discomfort, this is okay, you are whole within discomfort. The more willingness you have to meet yourself, the greater capacity there is for the discomfort to transform and experience rapid resilience. There is a good ol’ saying ‘what you resists persists’. Chaos and pain is amplified if you resist what you are feeling or how you are showing up. Accepting what is allows the crisp fresh air like on a fall morning. It relieves the pressure of perfectionism and offers permission to be fully human.

What my younger self didn’t realize was the ‘light’ is always available and doesn’t need to arrive in a particular flavor or color. I didn’t understand at the time that ‘light’ or ‘expansion’ is not the expression you show up with- it is the internal holding environment which holds the totality of experience. Expansion is radical acceptance. Expansion is unconditional love. Expansion is awareness holding raw dynamic energy. Expansion is wrapping the whole experience of the present moment.